As you’ve seen I finished the book that I’ve been working on for most of the time that I’ve operated this domain. It feels great and I think in some ways it marks a change in the eras of my life. Henceforth referred to as BCG and ACG (before and after Circle Games). No, no matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone thinks I’m a writer. I write, and I must write; and while you may have believed this before, I may have doubted it. Now, I don’t doubt my writerly existence (ability and skill are always fair game). With enough work, time and inspiration, I feel like I can do anything. It may sound kind of hokey and pretentious, but I ensure that its not.
For the entire length of my recorded presence on line, I’ve kept my age fairly secrete. Partially because when I started 4 or so years ago, I was 13-14 (for those of you who don’t feel like doing the math or don’t have enough fingers, that would make me 16—17 in three months) and I wanted to be taken seriously. Four years changes a few things, and I’m no longer as invested in other people’s (virtual) impression of my age. Before the internet was my primary publication venue, and in order to reach respectable audiences and gain a reputation, I think I needed to present myself in a certain way. I never lied, technically, though I admit I did chose words carefully with the intention of creating an image that was several years ahead of the current reality. But no longer. If I want to publish some writing on the internet, people will either have to accept me in terms of who I am, and on the basis of my work, or (and this will likely be far more common) I’ll be publishing on TealArt and CollectiveArts, where I’m in control.
I think know would be a good time to explain Chris. He got added to this effort at some point, but I don’t think we ever really explained how we know each other. 3-4 years ago, we frequented an IRC (internet relay chat) Channel (#babylon5, and later #babcom2 as well on the Undernet, for those of you that care). Not that we ever talked about Babylon 5, really, but we have/had that common connection. Really the best conversations we had in that channel, or the ones that I really remember were about American Literature and how much we didn’t like it, but it was bore than just a bitching session, because in retrospect our arguments were fairly well constructed. Gosh, the things I did/do in my free time. In any case, we just started talking, and we haven’t really stopped. There’s a good deal of variation, but we tend to average 7-15 thousand words of IM transcripts a week. Oh, and he’s all of two years older than me.
Despite the fact that I’ve known that my family reads this journal, it’s finally starting to sink in and I’m starting to feel watched and hovered over. I’m trying to ignore this as best I can. So I have a favor to ask of you three, and anyone else whose still reading: leave comments on the entries as a way of telling me that you’ve read the entry and are interested in what I’ve said (and want to further a discussion). Being told “Oh I read your website,” by family freaks me out still. Commenting is really cool, and I’d like you all to add your thoughts. Please?
We interrupt this irregularly scheduled Personal Update to mention that in case you were wondering, there is some semblance of a coherent point hidden somewhere in here. Thank You.
There’s no really easy way to do this so, I’ll try not to flounder around too much. I’m gay. But if you’ve spent any time reading this site, and hadn’t guessed that by now, you’re not very good at reading subtly. Not that I’ve been using this site as the penultimate closet case weblog, but for any number of reasons it wasn’t time to come out yet, so I didn’t. Now, though, I’m as ready as one can get. Which is to say, not very, but I’d grown to a place where If I didn’t come out soon, I might have completely broken. So time for all the questions I know you’re asking: Yes I’m completely sure, for god only knows what reason, I doubted and questioned for a year and floundered around a lot, but after a year of agitation, everything finally settled and it all became clear. For those of you wondering the order in which I came out to people, here it is: Tracy, Chris K., Rachel, Molly/Anna S., Alex P., Mary, Anna T., Alex S., Eric, Halley, Chris A., and so forth; after a while it becomes kind of nebulous and hard to track. Yes, I’m the only out/semi-out guy in my school of 236, and while we have bets on a few people, we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m not dating anyone, even in the vaguest of definitions, and while I’m open to the prospect in theory, I realize that it’s kind of impractical right now, and everything’s comfortably cool.
It’s been said that being gay is hard, that it’s a hard life. First of all, I thank whoever said that for not using the word lifestyle, because after all diets and life has very little in common. Second of all, I think the gay part has very little to do with anything. Life isn’t easy, it’s not for the faint of heart (bad pun, I know, I know). The only thing that I know is that I have absolutely no control over being gay, not that I’d want to. It’s part of me, of who I am and I like me just the way I am. Also, I can tell you that the extra difficulty that being gay adds to life is virtually non-existent in comparison to being gay and locked on your ever shrinking closet.
It’s a continuing saga, and I think now that I’ve made this jump; you’ll see a few more things on this subject.
I’m happy, and each time I’ve come out to someone, after the initial milliseconds of fear before they respond, I feel as if I’ve woken up, as if I’m starting to become hole. Even on a cloudy day, it feels like a bright shiny morning. That’s why it’s right, because deep down in my bones it feels right, it feels like what I need to do, and it feels like me: I have to trust this, or else I can’t really trust anything.