So my erstwhile friend Eric Otis Scott and I are writing a send-up of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, entitled Guildencrantz and Rosenstern are Still Dead. A Oneact Play, in Five Acts. Characters are Carl Sagan (the cosmologist), Davey Boy Sarte (Jean-Paul’s bastard love child), and Mr. Haney of Petticoat Junction. Eric wrote the first scene, and here’s the second installment. SCENE TWO
(SAGAN is moderately confused for the duration, while SARTE is for the most part annoyed with his companions)
HANEY: How are they cooking this sushi?
SAGAN: But don’t you understand what I’m saying? What do you think?
HANEY: Wouldn’t medium rare be good?
SAGAN: Do you think Fermat’s work is even relevant?
HANEY: Is their broiler gas or wood burning?
SAGAN: Haven’t we been over this already? Does heat generation affect the universe on a fundamental level?
SARTE: (mutters as an aside) God, How did I make such friends?
HANEY: Are your ideas in a communicable language?
SAGAN: How dare--- SARTE: (louder and frustrated) Don’t you realize that you can’t have a conversation if you both talk about different things?
(pause)
HANEY & SAGAN: (surprised, and shocked. The Question is drawn out and over inflected) WHAT?!?!?
HANEY: How were we talking about different things?
SARTE: If you didn’t notice, then can’t you just trust me?
SAGAN: But if the universe is so large, and heat generation is irrelevant, then… wait, how can you cook sushi? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of sushi?
SARTE: What is sushi anyway?
SAGAN: Don’t you eat? Can’t you see that we’re in a sushi restraint?
SARTE: (annoyed) Do you think that answers my question Mr. Marx?
(pause)
SAGAN: Pardon? Why should we answer your questions, and who is this Mr. Marx character?
SARTE: Isn’t that your name?
SAGAN: My name?
HANEY: (interjects, feeling left out) Do you think it’s my name then?
SARTE: (ignores HANEY). Isn’t that your name?
SAGAN: What’s my name?
SARTE: (irritated). You don’t know your own name?
HANEY: Why should physicists need to know their own names? Aren’t they almost gods or something? Shouldn’t we order our food so they can start cooking it?
SARTE: (sardonically, emphasis on you, a la strongbad) How would you propose cooking sushi?
SAGAN: Are you saying that I’m a god?
HANEY: Do you mean that they aren’t going to cook are food? Isn’t that cheap of them? I wonder if it’s safe?
SARTE: You’re a physicist? Weren’t you a friend of my father?
HANEY: Your father was friends with Marx?
SARTE: Didn’t you know that my father had a lot of friends?
HANEY: I wonder what that says about your lineag?
SARTE: Well isn’t it kind of hard to sink below bastard love child?
HANEY: Isn’t bastard love child, a redundant statement?
SAGAN: Who is this Mark bloke, didn’t my mother always call me Carl?
SARTE: Oh, so you’re Carl the physicist?
SAGAN: Did you think my name was Mark?
HANEY: Didn’t you hear him say Marx, and not Mark?
SAGAN: (confused) Pardon?
SARTE: Don’t you think we’ve spent enough time on this subject? Aren’t you two ready to eat?
HANEY: (annoyed) What have I been saying for the past hour?
SAGAN: (high pitched, fast, moderately insane) Has it been an hour? How do you know that much time has passed? Can you be sure that time is constant?
SARTE: Waiter? Waiter? Can we have a waiter over here?
(blackout--curtain)