Well I lived through yet another weekend with my family, and I must say that nothing excruciatingly bad happened.

Other than the fact that I lived through a weekend with my family, of course.

Having prepared for the absolute worse possible outcome, I was pleasantly surprised when a few things turned out ok. It was generally torturous, but I’ve developed a few coping strategies that worked for me this time.

First of all, I had something completely unrelated to look forward to. My mother and I went to a completely awesome contra dance. I am a little jaded about the contra dance group here. It’s a little too hetero and the people aren’t really as accepting as I might like. I mean they’re nice, it’s just I’m not terribly connected to them. In any case the contra dance we went to was particularly nice because it gave us an excuse to get away from the stresses of a visit.

The second thing to do is to find a way to occupy yourself independently of what’s going around you. Read a book, read several books even. In one weekend, I finished the book that I started before I left (Melissa Scott’s Roads of Heaven), the latest Star Wars New Jedi Order (my literary vice), and the second Armistead Maupin Tales of the City book. In addition I got an outline of a play mostly written.

Now I get to pack for another trip. I’m going to visit some collages, and to spend a week with my grandmother, which promises to be much more enjoyable. So I get another week of being in contact before I’m spirited away for two weeks of various non-wired activities.

Thanks to Chris for taking over while I was gone, and for doing the same in the future, there’s more on the way. Cheers folks

I’ve realized something about my writing, something that I’m not exactly happy about, but something that I think I can deal with. It’s also something that I think, that by realizing what the problem is, I’ll be able to work around it.

So what is it already?

All of my characters in Circle Games are motivated by loyalty. The irony that makes the story interesting in my opinion is that they’re motivated by loyalty to each other, except in a couple of cases (the bad guys mainly) when they’re motivated by loyalty to themselves. Duty and loyalty are fine motivating factors, and they may be entangled with love, but they aren’t love. And I think the story of CG works with this limitation and really takes advantage of the characters as they are. This is the benefit of creating characters before the story, which was how the development of Circle Games happened.

Another Round happened differently, for the most part; and for better or for worse, I have a character who must be motivated out of love. I think when I wrote the outline I envisioned him as having loyalty to his ideals, but as I get to know him better I realize that he has to operate (as stupid as it might sound) out of shear love. This makes him much more difficult to write because I’m not sure how to write characters in this mode. It’s certainly a reflection of myself, and as I noted to Paula last night, all of my characters don’t relax and have the guard up most of the time.

I wrote one short story, probably the single best work I’ve gotten out yet, that’s seven pages or so, and I think it really captures love or something reasonably close. The problem is that in seven pages, characters needn’t be motivated to do anything other than sit on a park bench and watch what’s going on around them, which is exactly what this character does. I wrote this particular story in my voice which for all of the poor stylistic implications, seems to be effective in such formats.

This is something that I’ll likely wrestle with for quite some time, but I think with a little work, my fiction won’t suffer terribly. I do fear that someone’s going to hand Circle Games back to me and tells me that there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way the characters are developed. But then I fear that I’m going to get a marked up manuscript and someone’s going to tell me that there are huge structural holes in it, but that’s just part of the cycle I suppose.

Another Round is a great project with a lot of potential. Writing it is going to be hard though. Really hard. I can see it now, but I can also see that I’ll get it done. I’m embarking on it just as I realize that I’m loosening my interest in science fiction, and as I realize that I’m not quite ready for the land of contemporary/mainstream fiction. Another Round is an epic tale (sans hero), told basically in the form of a three act play (it’s prose though), which I hope is unique.

Perhaps it’ll take more than nine months, and actually I hope it takes more than nine months, because I want to have a long term project that last me the whole school year. I also know that I want to work on other projects, other fiction things, so I’m probably going to dedicate a little bit of my energy this summer to getting outlines and plans ready for other projects that I can work on during the year.

I don’t want to put it down and forget about it and lose rhythm, but I don’t think that’s possible, if I can get past chapter six, which is still a ways off (as long as I’m done with part one, and have a little bit of part two), then I’ll be safe. Part one could, in theory stand alone. It’s integral to the story, and it couldn’t be cut out, but the plot changes gears there, and once into part two, it’ll live for sure.

So I don’t know where this leaves me. One of the things that I thought finishing Circle Games so early would allow me to do is to rest during the end of the school year, and then be able to hop to right now. I haven’t been so lucky. I’m realizing that the pattern I’m using right now isn’t working, but rather than allow myself to slip and loose too much territory I need to change something in hopes of jump starting the process. Writing more/different things is a start, reading more is always a good thing too. I’m also going to be on vacation or at least out of town for a while, and hopefully with my laptop, a few good and friendly notebooks, and a change of scenery I’ll be able to move in the right direction.

My most sincere apologies for not proofing this entry as much as it needs.

As I’m sure longtime visitors to TealArt will surely notice, we’ve changed and added a few new things to TealArt, and I think it’s only fair that we give all these things a little notice here. We’re posting more, which I hope will continue into the future, but after all of the non-log related things that I’ve worked on recently I kind of hope that we’re done in that area for a while. We’ve gotten everything spiffed up and pressed out, so things should be good for a while, and I think you’ll enjoy all of the enhancements we’ve made. So without further ado, here’s the litany of accomplishments:

• The addition of Paula Forbes. A writer friend of mine extraordinaire. Her stuff is great, and I hope you enjoy it. She’ll be posting stuff all over the site, I’m told, but look for journal entries.
• Peter McCabe is back for more. For somewhat obvious reasons, Peter hasn’t been overly prolific recently (read his previous posts for information), but he’s promised some more entries, some potentially lighter material as well.
• New Skins and new page. Before there were four skins which weren’t very compatible with most non-IE browsers. Now there are seven, with a total of 18 options such as different fonts, alternate sidebar location and additional browser compatibility.
• Content Pages: These are all of the pages on TealArt which aren’t dirrectly part of the logs. Lists of links, contributor profiles, the skin page, and other nifty stuff like that. The Content Pages link just gives you a good directory to all of this stuff, all in one place.
• Sam’s Blogwhore Blogroll Here’s just a list of links, powered by Blogrolling.com of the blogs and other related favorites that I enjoy. I have it on good authority that Chris is planning to have a similar page soon, but we’ll see. Enjoy this as a kind of supplement to the “Fresh Linkages” section.
• Paradigm Brainfeed: Some of you probably remember when we tried to have another log on TealArt that was supposed to be more relaxed and less formal than the main TealArt Journal. We called it Paradigm, and it didn’t really work out as we might have intended. So we stoped doing it. But then we decided to bring it back as a sidebar function in those skins with sidebars, so now we’re trying it out again, and we’ll see if it works. All the old paradigm entries are still there if you’re interested, by the way.
• A redesign of the way Featured Quotes and Fresh Linkage operate. Better archiving, better functionality on the sidebar. It’s a good set up. You’ll also note the slight change in name from the less creative “TealArt Links” and “TealArt Quotes,” but it’s still the same great stuff, only a little better
• Staff and Crew This page has all of the contact information for the TealArt staff if you’re interested in learning more about us and conversing with us. Profiles are forthcoming, I’m told
• CollectiveArts is closing, and we’re going to dedicate this energy towards TealArt. If your interested in the domain, talk to me, otherwise say your farewells.
• That’s it! Enjoy, and If you have any comments, questions, or suggestions feel free to talk to us about them. Also, remember to tell your friends about us, word of mouth is the best (and our only) method of promotion. Thanks again, as always, for reading.

I’ve been quite enamored of the last line of F. Scott Fitsgerald’s Gatsby for some time. I mean I’m not great fan of American Literature, and while I think there’s some really brilliant material in The Great Gatsby, on the whole I think its over done and despite it’s stark tone, I think there’s just too much glamorization. But the last line, I think is enough to make it really amazing. It’s been floating around the Quotes section for some time (it was actually the last quote I posted). But just in case you’re not familiar with it, here it is.o

Gatsby belived in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter--tomorow we will run faster, strech out our arms father…. And one fine morning---

So we beat on, boasts against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

--F. Scott Fitsgerald, The Great Gatsby

There’s something poetic and magical about those words, and they’ve been the source of a lot of inspiration. I wrote a short story, that has some promise, and on a whim I did a sketch that I’m going to print as an plexy glass engraving (intaglio/dry point). I might post the story on TealArt at some point, and I’m going to stick in the drawing in a bit. It’s pencil and paper, that I went over with marker and then scanned into the computer. I’ve taken that scan and provided a little bit of tone for the digital display, and I think it looks pretty good, considering that I drew it.

Comments are welcome:

I used to be thoroughly convinced that I liked science fiction books, adored them really. I loved, and to some extent still do love, sagas. These kinds of stories are still a really large part of who I am, and at least for the next sixty thousand words at least I’m going to be writing science fiction. (Another Round promises to be the shortest saga in the world. Ever. And don’t tell me about Gilgamesh, because Gilgamesh wasn’t science fiction. And don’t argue logic with me either! So there.) Beyond that, I’m not so sure though, because my tastes have really moved away from science fiction, at least in what I’m reading, and also what I’m writing in short fiction.

But that isn’t what this entry is about. You see I’ve spent the last good little while listening to David Sedaris reading his essays and stories, and I’m both really inspired and discouraged at the same time. The kinds of stories he tells are both hilariously funny, and startlingly poignant, all in one breath. That’s the kind of thing I live for, the kind of thing I try to write, even if I fail miserably at that goal. So in that respect I’m really inspired by his work.

At the same time, just knowing that his stories are real, and that he’s not talking about things he made up, only increases the effect. His are the kind of stories that you just can’t make up, sometimes you can’t help but laugh, other times you’re stricken with an understanding. His styling enhances the feeling of realism, because it’s so honest, and sharp; it’s also completely transparent, which I find frustrating, but frustrating out of respect. Like any author that I have any shread of respect for, he makes it seem effortless, and frankly that pisses me off. I know, somewhere that it isn’t effortless and that he, just like I and everyone else I know slaves over his work endlessly, but when I’m listening to him read (because he’s probably the only author who should be absorbed via his own readings of his work, because it looses something on paper), I can’t fathom that truth.

The other thing that I know from experience is that this kind of story or essay that he writes is impossible to produce, or virtually so. In order to produce stories about life that have that kind of effect, you need to have a life that grants you first hand exposure to the kind of situations. I suppose we all do, but I guess that a lot of the time we just overlook the things that might work the best for such pieces.

But enough naval gazing, that was a couple of entries ago, and while meta-art discussions are interesting for a little while, they stagnate really quickly, and I’m going to start writing about what I listened to before I start having a meta-meta art discussion and my brain starts to hurt. Or not, but moving forward is, in this situation, preferable to standing still.

So check out his stuff, you could probably find a good deal of it by looking through the archives of NPR’s “This American Life” (which is a show I have a lot of respect for, even if I don’t really listen to it, and I might talk about it at some later point), but I’ve also come across a great archive of his stuff, located here, and almost all of the links still work, so check it out. I’d like to know what you all think of it, because I can’t think of anything really thoughtful to say, other than “listen to it.” Sometimes it’s better to just let peoples work to speak for itself.

So I’m not going to pull a Steve Bush and give a complete history of CollectiveArts and TealArt right now (ask me sometime about Steve Bush, and I might just tell you), because I think it’s fairly likely that you know more than you probably ever wanted to know of these sites' back-story. But I do think I’ve finally come to a conclusion that may offer some interesting insight, and there may be a tangible change at last.

There is one speck of history that I don’t tend to tell people very much. We’ll call this story ‘the discovery of blogs:’ When Jason Dunn of PocketPCThoughts switched from Blogger to Greymatter, I discovered Noah Grey and Greymatter and a whole world of really great blogs. While I had seen blogger/blogspot stuff before, in the beginning at least, the people who took the time to use a program like Greymatter, generally had better quality work, but I digress. The possibilities that CMS’s like Greymatter and the blogging format inspired me and knew that I had to be a part of this whole movement (before it was a movement of course). But ever the individualist, I had to do something unique and different.

Thus the monster known as CollectiveArts was born. I really just wanted an awesome blog with a few really talented folks contributing and offering their unique perspectives. I dragged the CollectiveArts concept around countless times and the record really speaks for itself. At some point down the line, Lynda of DigitalWoe purchased the TealArt.com domain for a friend, but fatefully, those plans fell through, and she offered a two year registration of this quirky domain to anyone who wanted it. Ever the opportunist, I jumped on the offer and the monster that is this site was born. It’s taken us a long time to get on our feet technologically and personnel wise, but I think that now more than ever we really have that comfy awesome blog by a few really talented folks.

After almost two and a half years of trying to get this CollectiveArts project off the ground, we’ve finally got what I/we were looking for. The problem is, of course, that instead of an awesome site named CollectiveArts, we know it as TealArt. But the resounding question of: ‘what do we do with CollectiveArts?’ remained. Chris and I struggled with this one for a while, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to let go of CollectiveArts. It was a great experiment, and it paved the way for the development of this site, so I think it was really worth it, but I don’t think it’s worth clinging to the notion of CollectiveArts in light of what’s happened. So unless someone wants CollectiveArts.net, and makes an offer, we’re going to let it slip I think.

So we’ve arrived, finally, at a solution that works really well for our needs, and you know, it feels great to be here! Registration is due in November (or it’ll slip), so I think we’ll start moving our email accounts out of there now, and the domain is now pointing to TealArt. I’m thinking of registering a couple of other domains that I’ve meant to take on for a while, but those will go to a more static portfolio type of site I think, if I even make a site for them. But as for display of my writing online, TealArt is my home; and I like it this way.

Editor’s Note: This entry will be posted as the category description for the “Beyond John Wayne category. I’m posting it here as a site update, for your own pleasure. Enjoy!

As some of you may already know, in order to get this International Baccalaureate Diploma you have to be able to do two things. First of all you have to be able to spell Baccalaureate (which I don’t quite have, but I suspect I’ll get it within the year) and you have to write a four thousand word “Extended Essay” in any subject of your choosing. It’s tough and a major pain, yes, but assuming your advisors are really awesome, as mine are, it can be a load of fun to have the opportunity to get into what you’re really interested in and get credit for. Also it gives you an opportunity to take all of the dry stuff you’ve done in class and have some fun with the topic.

In perfect form, my Extended Essay is going to be a masculinity study. (For those of you who don’t know, in IB there are a number of papers/projects that we have to complete, most of which are graded by IB people outside of the school, and usually out side of the country as well. Well all of my IB projects fall into the category of gender/masculinity/queer studies, but we’ll talk more about that in a little while.)

I have to have a draft of this paper before classes start in September, which shouldn’t be too much of a problem, but I do have to start working on it more. So in that motion, I’m going to start writing about it here at TealArt. We’ll probably get excerpts of this paper as I write it, and there’ll be a fair share of brainstorming. Think of it as a project blog, if you will. I at least think its interesting stuff and hope you do too (and all of your feed back is going to be really valuable).

I wonder if I post this paper, in stages to this website, and IB uses that anti-plagiarism software to search the web, and they find it here, will they start having farm animals (cows to be specific). Because it’s completely legit, unless of course IB is demanding first run online publication rights, which I sort of doubt. Having said that, if this stuff pops up on someone else’s website and I’m not credited, it could get ugly. Really ugly. So consider yourself threatened. You can use this material if you want, but credit is required.

The working title for this paper is “Beyond John Wayne: A Contemporary Definition of Masculinity,” and in it I hope to define the traditional conception of masculinity, as represented by the kinds of character’s John Wayne is famous for portraying, then show how this definition is both flawed and not realistic in both historical and contemporary circumstances. Finally, I plan to conduct interviews several with youth and young adults from various backgrounds to establish a realistic definition that makes sense in contemporary contexts.

I’m going to start handing out background surveys this week, (to give me material that I can build a more substantial and meaningful interview that’s tailored to the subject instead of something that’s to general and not substantive enough). Depending on how that goes, I should be able to start having interviews this week as well and thing will proceeded as they should.

Building the structure for a collective website is a really difficult task, especially when you’re building it for writers, chosen for their free spirit and individuality. Maybe it’s a lost cause, but I continue to think that the benefits inevitably out way the requisite headaches, and tribulations.

Three are two ways to approach the problem, and I’m not sure right now which is better. You can take the hands off approach, and provide possibilities and opportunities for your contributors. Give them lots of options and appealing benefits, and hope that everything else will attend to itself. Give people lots of room to be creative, because they are after all creative people, and don’t meddle too much or you could muddle the results. The only real possibility is that without any or at least very much structure, your people won’t feel very obligated to continue their responsibilities, and the other possible problem is that if you use this model you really have to be open to all of the creative improvisations of the crew, otherwise you’re not really being fair.

The other option is to provide lots of structure, instructions, goals, deadlines, and form. Let people improvise on your model, but make sure that everything happens in the ‘one right way.’ It should give you a controlled response and being structured encourages your crew to follow suit and adopt some kind of structure. The biggest problem with this is that if you sought out free spirits, then trying to establish some sort of control and structure onto their work and their creative styles can again produce the same result. People become frustrated, confused, and they feel constricted and nothing happens.

I tell you, that’s what happens reliably. About the only safe thing to do is to smile and walk down a very fine line and hope that all goes well. A very, very fine line.

I wonder if it’s still considered a tangent, when it’s what you started out talking about. You see, when I started writing this I wanted to show of what I’ve been calling the ‘inspirational document’ just a list of prompts and ideas that I put together outlining the kind of things I think make blogs interesting and special. There are a host of possible objectives that a blog can accomplish, but there are some things that I think blogs accomplish better than other things (and by reading this document you’ll get an idea of what I’m trying to say, I hope). So what does that have to do with the two approaches to group website management? I was kind of questioning the place of this document in my management of the website(s), and believe me, like all good tangents, it seemed like a better idea when I started out on it.

Write about your life. Blogs aren’t about the big picture things; they’re about the little events, the soft give and take about every day life. You needn’t write about something sweet or infuriating that a friend or familiar said to you yesterday. Write about something that happened a couple years ago, or even something that happened when you were a kid. A memory, an image. Defining moments are wonderful for description. Weblogs should capture, or at least attempt to capture the times when you were able to take a step back, and see things as they were: moments of insight and understanding. The mundane is also really great subject matter, things that everyone thinks about, but that maybe doesn’t receive adequate attention.

Write about the time when you discovered that the world just wasn’t fair, and that people didn’t always mean well.

Write about a favorite outfit/shirt/pair of pants that just fit right and felt good when you wore it. Use it as a metaphor. Run with it.

Tell an anecdotal tale or three about specific individuals, and about mannerisms that defined them as people in your mind. Old aunts and uncles when you were a kid. Perhaps your grandparents. And so forth.

One thing that one of the past incarnations of TealArt and CollectiveArts tried to do was clobber the meta-art discussion. Talk about the craft of being an artist/writer, discuss the interplay between art and music, and think about the relationship between art society/culture. It can get a little intense and self serving after a while, but it’s a good way to get grounded, sometimes.