Topic: Posts

I’m staying after school tomorrow to talk to the Site Based Management Committee about establishing a Gay Straight Aliance/Support Group at our school. It should be an easy process, and the nice thing is that we don’t even need to have this group’s approval, because of the established practices and all of the language in the Federal Equal Access Act, and how the school has functioned in the past; all we need is the principals go ahead. We have faculty sponsors, and support from enough students to, at least in my mind make it work.

The ironic thing is that as of next year, I’m going to be the student representative to the committee for the 2003-2004 school years. How funny. Really I see this as ironic, because after trying to get on the student council and failing reputedly, I’m going to achieve something way more important than that, and I’ll get a vote (I assume) that really counts for something. How awesome is that? Not to mention the fact that collages especially schools like Antioch will jump over this kind of community leadership kinds of things. And the truth is that I think it would be nice to be a part of this kind of discussion, instead of just being affected by the implications of it.

But about the Metro High School Gay Straight Alliance/Support Group. It’s really a benign group that has the distinct possibility of being one of the most active groups in our little school of 236 (this year; normal capacity is about 260). It’s also going to be established with a minimum amount of hassle, and with all luck meetings will start next year. One thing I’m really proud of is that it’ll set a really good precedent: as the first school in the district to have a GSA, students in other schools within the district (there are 12 high schools in the district) should be able to establish groups without any real problem. Also, since Metro is the top performing school in the area, and ranks very high in the state as a whole, we’ll be noticed, and I hope some good will come of that.

We’re also fighting against a bill in the state legislature that would make it illegal for a school or school district to adopt non-discrimination language that is more accepting than existing state and federal laws. Basically, it would make it impossible for a school district to protect GLBT students, and staff even if they wanted to. Because of the way the Federal Equal Access Act is worded, this won’t impact the group but it’s a scary prospect in any case.

In any case it’ll be a big day, and hopefully a fairly easy one at that.

With the start of Queer as Folk’s new season I’ve discovered or rediscovered a new addiction. While it’s still technically true that I don’t watch any television, the approximately 42 minuets per week is a very good thing. Kazza is to blame.

I found out about the show during the hiatus, and got my fingers on the lion’s share of the episodes and was hooked. There characters are honest, dynamic, and you can sympathize with just about all of them (including, and perhaps especially, Brian), and in a single episode you can both laugh out loud and cry if your inclined. The show will also, if you want it to, make you think seriously about the issues discussed. This isn’t the kind of show that you sit, watch, and forget. You get involved. Additionally, because this is a Showtime show, it doesn’t have to go through network censors, and it has a much larger production budget than network shows; this allows the producers greater freedom, and the ability to get a better crew and some really impressive actors.

As an artistic work, the show is very precise and planed, and very little is left to chance. The writing is excellent and uses devices that I’m gleefully surprised when I see them used in fine literature. For instance in an episode mid-to-late last season, two characters (Justin and Ethan) were having their first real discussion, and after Justin leaves, we switch to a view to a metronome swinging back and forth as Ethan’s fuzzy form resumes his violin playing. An obvious foreshadowing experience and just watch this season to see what happened. I love it when they do things like that: I think it shows that the producers and writers are working to create something more than another hour of television that’s only laurels are the cute faces and bare asses of the ensemble lead.

Having said that, Queer as Folk, doesn’t shy away from showing sex. But we should say, that in point of fact, it’s pretty good about using it artistically and to make a point. It gets to be gratuitous after a while with Brian, but that is the point. It’s honest and blatant, qualities that I admire above just about everything else. It is not representative of Gay and Lesbian people everywhere, but it does cover a certain spectrum of the popular culture. I think the show’s caught a lot of flack for not being representative, and I suppose it’s a problem when there aren’t many ëgay’ shows around, but forgiving this problem in the production houses, it does a good job at what its trying to do. After all, shows like Sex and the City, Dharma and Greg, and Mad About You (can you tell how long it’s been since I’ve even vaguely followed sitcoms?) aren’t exactly representative of the hetrolifestyle but you don’t see everyone up in arms about that.

It’s some of the most compelling television drama around, because it breaks the mold, because it steps outside of the norm, and in doing so provides a perfect example of how there is really little that separates us as people, despite what separates us legally and culturally. If you get Showtime, check it out, if you don’t get Showtime, work something out with your local Kazza provider to get something together. It’s not mindless television and unlike a lot of junk that’s out there you don’t feel like you’ve just wasted 45 minuets when its done.

As you’ve seen I finished the book that I’ve been working on for most of the time that I’ve operated this domain. It feels great and I think in some ways it marks a change in the eras of my life. Henceforth referred to as BCG and ACG (before and after Circle Games). No, no matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone thinks I’m a writer. I write, and I must write; and while you may have believed this before, I may have doubted it. Now, I don’t doubt my writerly existence (ability and skill are always fair game). With enough work, time and inspiration, I feel like I can do anything. It may sound kind of hokey and pretentious, but I ensure that its not.

For the entire length of my recorded presence on line, I’ve kept my age fairly secrete. Partially because when I started 4 or so years ago, I was 13-14 (for those of you who don’t feel like doing the math or don’t have enough fingers, that would make me 16—17 in three months) and I wanted to be taken seriously. Four years changes a few things, and I’m no longer as invested in other people’s (virtual) impression of my age. Before the internet was my primary publication venue, and in order to reach respectable audiences and gain a reputation, I think I needed to present myself in a certain way. I never lied, technically, though I admit I did chose words carefully with the intention of creating an image that was several years ahead of the current reality. But no longer. If I want to publish some writing on the internet, people will either have to accept me in terms of who I am, and on the basis of my work, or (and this will likely be far more common) I’ll be publishing on TealArt and CollectiveArts, where I’m in control.

I think know would be a good time to explain Chris. He got added to this effort at some point, but I don’t think we ever really explained how we know each other. 3-4 years ago, we frequented an IRC (internet relay chat) Channel (#babylon5, and later #babcom2 as well on the Undernet, for those of you that care). Not that we ever talked about Babylon 5, really, but we have/had that common connection. Really the best conversations we had in that channel, or the ones that I really remember were about American Literature and how much we didn’t like it, but it was bore than just a bitching session, because in retrospect our arguments were fairly well constructed. Gosh, the things I did/do in my free time. In any case, we just started talking, and we haven’t really stopped. There’s a good deal of variation, but we tend to average 7-15 thousand words of IM transcripts a week. Oh, and he’s all of two years older than me.

Despite the fact that I’ve known that my family reads this journal, it’s finally starting to sink in and I’m starting to feel watched and hovered over. I’m trying to ignore this as best I can. So I have a favor to ask of you three, and anyone else whose still reading: leave comments on the entries as a way of telling me that you’ve read the entry and are interested in what I’ve said (and want to further a discussion). Being told “Oh I read your website,” by family freaks me out still. Commenting is really cool, and I’d like you all to add your thoughts. Please?

We interrupt this irregularly scheduled Personal Update to mention that in case you were wondering, there is some semblance of a coherent point hidden somewhere in here. Thank You.

There’s no really easy way to do this so, I’ll try not to flounder around too much. I’m gay. But if you’ve spent any time reading this site, and hadn’t guessed that by now, you’re not very good at reading subtly. Not that I’ve been using this site as the penultimate closet case weblog, but for any number of reasons it wasn’t time to come out yet, so I didn’t. Now, though, I’m as ready as one can get. Which is to say, not very, but I’d grown to a place where If I didn’t come out soon, I might have completely broken. So time for all the questions I know you’re asking: Yes I’m completely sure, for god only knows what reason, I doubted and questioned for a year and floundered around a lot, but after a year of agitation, everything finally settled and it all became clear. For those of you wondering the order in which I came out to people, here it is: Tracy, Chris K., Rachel, Molly/Anna S., Alex P., Mary, Anna T., Alex S., Eric, Halley, Chris A., and so forth; after a while it becomes kind of nebulous and hard to track. Yes, I’m the only out/semi-out guy in my school of 236, and while we have bets on a few people, we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m not dating anyone, even in the vaguest of definitions, and while I’m open to the prospect in theory, I realize that it’s kind of impractical right now, and everything’s comfortably cool.

It’s been said that being gay is hard, that it’s a hard life. First of all, I thank whoever said that for not using the word lifestyle, because after all diets and life has very little in common. Second of all, I think the gay part has very little to do with anything. Life isn’t easy, it’s not for the faint of heart (bad pun, I know, I know). The only thing that I know is that I have absolutely no control over being gay, not that I’d want to. It’s part of me, of who I am and I like me just the way I am. Also, I can tell you that the extra difficulty that being gay adds to life is virtually non-existent in comparison to being gay and locked on your ever shrinking closet.

It’s a continuing saga, and I think now that I’ve made this jump; you’ll see a few more things on this subject.

I’m happy, and each time I’ve come out to someone, after the initial milliseconds of fear before they respond, I feel as if I’ve woken up, as if I’m starting to become hole. Even on a cloudy day, it feels like a bright shiny morning. That’s why it’s right, because deep down in my bones it feels right, it feels like what I need to do, and it feels like me: I have to trust this, or else I can’t really trust anything.

This isn’t the personal update that I promised, that’s still forthcoming. Right now I have a real short little ditty that I need to post.

On March 29th at 12:50 CST while listening to Silly Wizard’s version of Andy M. Stewert’s “The Queen of Argyll” on constant repeat for sevral hours, after returning from the Tioniol (Mississippi River Celtic Music Festival) Friday Night Celidh (At the St. Louis Brewery and Taproom) with music by Bohola) I completed the very first first draft of Circle Games. My Novel.

Statistics: 100,732 words 454 Pages 23 Chapters + a Prologue and an Epilogue 1.36 megabyte MS Word XP file 9 months of work.

Never before have I looked forward to revisions, like I’m looking forward to them now. I want to get through this, I’ve gotten past a really difficult first step, one that I don’t know if I ever though I’d be able to really pass, and now I’m there and its done. I feel like it’s all down hill from here.

I’ve decided to work on a collection of short fiction this summer rather than another novel. I want to get a piece in the Blithe House Quarterly, and I want to get stuff for The Fray, among other things, but I also want to have a good body of work. I’ll also be working on revisions. Goggle anything that I didn’t put a link on, sorry, I’m about to try to sleep though I’m really excited. Cheers!

A lot of people are pretty good with computers, a lot of people are reassembly geeky but I’m about as good as they come. I mean there are people who have degree’s in Computer Science and Information Science/Technology who can do stuff that I can’t, more because I don’t have the training than because I’m incapable of the task. I can navigate my way through the internet and I’m always on top of new developments, anymore through circumstance and coincidence than through any active effort on my part. In addition to all of the mainstream sources that seem to have a direct wire into my brain, I’m very tuned into the human side of the internet, and have a lot of connections and helpful friends. The whole world really is at my finger tips. But being an A-list geek isn’t all about the internet and being connected, it’s also about being able to navigate local programs and possessing the ability to optimize your software so that it fits with my working style, rather than optimize my working style to fit with the software. Its also about being able to understand, even on the most fundamental level, how programming works, and the nuts and bolts of everything fits together, this isn’t to say that you should be able to program or debug on your own, but you should be able to follow and exploit the kinds of logical process that programmers use. And you know what? I got it. I got it all.

I doubt a lot about myself. A whole lot. My ability to succeed academically, my writing, my completion, my indecisiveness, and so forth. I think I’m allowed one area where I can completely kick ass in, one area where I can say “I’m just as good if not better as anyone out there,” and feel good. I’m not being standoffish here, it’s the truth.

But there’s a problem. I don’t care. It’s not so great, knowing how to do all of these things is all well and good, but there comes a point where you have to step beyond the screen and make it into something more. Look at the big picture and see that computers are a tool to accomplish your goal. People forget that too often or at least the normal brand of geek hasn’t moved beyond the “computers are a tool” clause.

An example. Mobile Technology. The people who are really into mobile technology, or at least the ones who do really good with publishing about mobile tech are people who don’t really use the tech, because they spend most of their day in front of big computers that do everything they need, and the truth of the matter is that they are thus unable to regularly put their units under the kinds of realistic tests that us normal people live with day in and day out. In this environment the geeks become people who have moved from using a technology because it helps them accomplish essential tasks to using a technology because “it’s the coolest most exciting new thing around and it can do all of these fancy things, dude!”

And it goes beyond that. It goes beyond one sector, one area. The problem is that the geeks are moving in directions and doing things and removing the purpose and point, and moving the whole realm of geekyness’ into an area that that has ceased to serve an end. And I’ve become disillusioned.

On a mostly unrelated note, I some how managed to break the display function for the comments on here, but posting comments should still work, even if you can’t see them. In other news we’ve decided to open a Notebook-type site but we’re still working on names. Another day or two. And that personal update is coming, and will probably come out in conjunction with the aux site.

And By the Way this is Entry Number 100. Between Quotes and Links and the Journal and all of the test entries I was forced to do to get the delay in positng to disapear, we’ve hit 100. Here’s to many more. Cheers.

Every so often I feel the necessity to write a little ditty here to tell you about what’s happened and what we have planed, despite the fact that it goes most of the blogging directives that I subscribe to. Alas. I still feel like we need to do it from time to time. So here it goes.

We’ve added Peter McCabe as a contributor; you saw his post I’m sure. His perspective and dynamic will really enhance the site as we have it now, and I’m really looking forward to what he’ll come up with in the coming weeks and months. I’m also on the look out for another Teal Artist person, but I have fairly specific requirements, so the search is slow, but eventually I’d like to add another person here. If anyone’s interested, I’d like to hear from you, but I’m being picky with this, so don’t take any rejections personally.

A long time ago, we added a fourth skin (before the site dump), and I don’t think I ever posted about that. I’m finally pretty happy with what I see in or selection of designs, there’s a fifth skin hanging around somewhere, but it’s not perfect yet, so it’ll be a little while until we see that kind of design development, but I think what we have now is sufficient, and I really don’t like that aspect of web design very much at all, so it left up to the free time in Chris’ schedule. I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Commenting on the TealArt blog has been restored. Sometime when I have more than half a brain and I’m in the mood to do some coding, I’ll write up a page so that you all can register. Registration makes commenting easier, and you’ll be able to edit your words without needing divine intervention. Enjoy, and we really thrive on knowing that there are people out there are paying attention to shouts into the night.

I think we referenced “the auxiliary site” at one point, and that disserves a little explanation. Chris bought a domain and installed b2, and proceeded to double all of his TealArt posts onto his website along with some other more random things, like poetry and quick rants, but for the most part it was a quick and sloppy thing without a direction to speak of. So during a late night IM conversation that was meandering through the dark caves of nothingness, Chris comments that it might be kind fun if we posted our IM transcripts at the end of every week. It was wacky, and it was just weird enough that it might work. TealArt didn’t quite seem like the right place for such foolishness, wiped Chris’ site clean, whipped up a design that was mostly stolen from a free blog template site, and started posting.

The idea was to have a site where we were removed from what passes for our real personas, and would thus be able to say anything without it being connected to what readers of this site or of CollectiveArts might think. I’m not going to tell you the URL, and I bet you won’t guess it. It was to be fast, campy, zany, honest, blunt, and for the most part completely removed from our real lives. We even post under false names, mostly for kicks. It’s a great idea and I don’t know how it’ll turn out. We’re considering transitioning that site into a “TealArt Notebook” that would take the aux site’s place, but ultimately that’s not my decision, so we’ll see.

CollectiveArts is getting close to the fabled re-launch, though I’m waiting on a couple more profiles. I think it’s going to be really cool, but we’ll see how things fall once it’s really live. For a while we had our name’s linked to our CollectiveArts profiles but I think ultimately that doesn’t represent the kind of work that we’re doing here at TealArt, so I think sometime soon we’re going to write up better ëabout’ pages for your enjoyment. For me, at least, a good about page can make or break a blog, and it’s been on my list for a really long time, so maybe we’ll finally get around to it.

There are a host of other personal updates, but I’ll keep my own stuff out of the “Site Update” save that for tomorrow. Cheers!

I’m ambivalent towards myself, or at least I’m ambivalent about writing about myself; and no this isn’t going to turn into an about page. I think we learn a lot of things from reading high quality work, but on the same token I think we learn even more from reading lower quality work. From this we can figure out what not to do, and learn from mistakes before we even have a chance to make them.

One thing that I saw a lot during my examination of the various crap that’s floating around the web is that the first person is a delicate thing that can easily be used to create complete crap. What ends up happening is that rather than create the impression of a fictional world and story, the author isn’t removed from the story and it seems very false and autobiographical, even when the author doesn’t intend for it to be.

Additionally, it’s far easier to write “I think, feel, act and breathe like this,” rather than work on writing something that’s more removed and distant. Using I statements is a crutch that too many authors, in my opinion, rely on without reason, and so their choice of narrative person isn’t based on what’s going to make the story most effective, but what’s easiest to write.

For these reasons, I’m don’t like writing fiction, or more properly haven’t yet gotten to a point where I’m comfortable writing fiction in the first person. I think that the second half of the next novel project will be in first person, perhaps the whole thing, but I’m not sure at this point. I think distance and a level of experience with third person can give the proper amount of skill and ability to successfully pull off a story in first person.

On the other side of the coin, writing non-fiction in first person can have a very nice effect that can make some essays personal and hard hitting, but it can also make an otherwise effective piece of prose completely pointless. Because I’m writing so much stuff for school, and because I tend to err on the side of perfection and cautiousness, it’s become hard for me to write in first person, morso in non-fiction than in fiction, but it’s a problem in both.

Also my normal mode for non fiction is this pedagogical air about writing that I haven’t been able to shake. Maybe it’s Robert’s fault for roping me into that column three years ago, but it probably runs deeper. I really don’t mean to try and teach and correct everything but it seems that that’s just what comes out.

I’m stopping now while I’m ahead. Or something.

Cycling through our, at the moment, not-so random, random quote generator are two somewhat fitting quotes. One by Alfred Kinsey that basically says nature exists as a continuum and that as humans we try and force a wide spectrum of divergent elements into neat little categories. Usually these categories represent polar opposites, and if we’re lucky, a middle ground, which is really incapable of describing much of any thing. Kinsey was talking about human sexuality, and while he did a lot to change the perceptions of sexuality, he wasn’t able to fully circumvent the human desire to categorize itself and its world. A seven point scale is better than a three, two, or even one point scale, but there are so many varieties and possibilities that just about anything would somehow fall short.

Chris added another quote from the breakfast club that conveyed a very similar message, but approached this problem from a completely different perspective. It said, basically, that we see things as we wish to: in the simplest, most convenient terms, when in fact we are individuals comprised of multiple traits and behaviors.

Things exist in shades of grey, between the darkness and the light (I’ll any non-Chris person a hug if the can figure out that allusion and drop me an email), and we as humans force everything into categories of black and white because it’s easy, because it gives us power, because it makes us feel safe and in charge of a very scary world. The biggest problem with this is, of course, that things don’t exist on the planes of total lightness, and total darkness.

I don’t have any answers, unfortunately, but then we wouldn’t have much purpose in hanging around here if we did.

I learned about the explosion of the Space Shuttle Columbia, two hours after the fact, and I fighting quite frightening. I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid for the lives of the six astronauts that are surely casualties of this accident.

Additionally, I fear that this may mark the end of the space program, and I think that may be the largest causality of this event.

This isn’t to say that the seven lives (which would make the causality total from the space program still under 20), quite the contrary, and the loss life as part of space exploration is unacceptable; however, no human endeavor with the possibility for gains is without risk, and that’s something that everyone involved with the space program must make peace with.

But that is in the realm of the future. As for the present, surely we need time to collect ourselves, and we have all the time we need.

Like any good blogger, I suppose I owe you both a New Years Entry. TealArt has been wimpy for the past couple of months, but that just might be changing. I’m working on a new Top-Secret formula that might synthesize enough new time in the day for me to start writing for this site again, and Chris is finally coming to his senses and is itching to start posting again. Amy and I have made plans to wrap up some coding work later this week that will transfer this site to the Quarto CMS which will be awesome beyond words. Stay tuned.

2002 has most certainly been interesting. TealArt and CollectiveArts have been through too many changes and not all of them were good so I’m not going to even wax poetic about any of them; but I think something personal is in order. 2002 has seen the creation and destruction of many things, as any year is bound to see. I do not suppose in the grand scheme of things that anything has changed, nor will anything significant change in 2003, but it’s the little things that count.

I’ve spent the better part of this year working on Circle Games, and the end is finally within sight. Even if the book turns out to be crap, which is inevitable in retrospect, and even if I’m not able to publish it (not to sound to hard on my self. I honestly think that it’s a good book and that a publication endeavourer will be successful.) Circle Games will have thought me that I am able to write fiction, that I do have the will power necessary to compose a novel, a real novel.

But it’s not over yet. I still have a substantial portion of the text to complete. So that’s part resolution I suppose. I am sticking to Amy’s Imperative(tm); save the future and present for your pleasure and write about the past. So you’re not going to get the list of resolutions, but they’re in there.

Till next time; Cheers.